Best and Worst of 2008

-Drinking so much most of the year was forgotten due to increased periods of alcohol induced memory loss

-Finding Jesus in the bottom of a bag of Lay Original potato chips

-Winning first bet over a College Bowl game, Prize: 1/2 of a dinner size portion of General Tso's Chicken from Bruce Lee's No. 1 Dragon Chinese Food

-Finally realizing that in addition to Barry White's music as the premier canon of panty-dropping that it is also great to listen to at work real loud while printing images of lingerie models

-Finally getting around to producing the Catholic Doom Metal band Tabernacle

Lost Items Volume "Shit I can't Remember" aka Frontier Edition

-leather cowboy hat with little pewter cast of a longhorn skull on it

-bucket of bacon fat that was once used as an insulating material for my hut in the backyard, until the animals licked it all off

-gun but no bullets

-antique intaglio etching of french erotica, print 3 of 70, note: "Oo La La" written in right hand corner by adolescence boy who found the print in attic after seeing the Back to the Future Trilogy on TBS

-Textbook circa 1875 stating that the atom is a solid particle

Bears from the Third Reich

Easily marketed to demographics such as NRA members, thugs, and Neo-Nazis. Makes a great gift.

Wonders of the Internet Vol 1: Sulfur and the Death Knight

Wondering how to utilize a Fine Arts degree is sometimes one of the most hopeless, abysmal tasks a person can take in life. You start thinking about marketing yourself, vexing over why you haven't made any good work in a year, and drinking too much so you can cope with your failure in the art 'game'. The final frontier of freelance is the labyrinth of Craigslist, full of people just like you, anti social, lazy and at wit's end. This is your ticket to some type of prosperity....right? Of course you always end up getting some totally bat shit crazy dude who is craving to have their ideas immortalized via your creative services offered. Paintings of dark, heart-of-gold undead warriors who smell like sulfur and stalk around in some fantastical world of mythical injusctice and gothic beauty. All of this by some Tolkien School reject who just wants some type of escapism from the reality of still living in his parents' basement amongst his formidiable collection of unopened action figures and hand painted pewter figurines that he bought during his Warhammer 40K phase.

Here is my last Craigslist communication for a possible commision, the ideas thick with overused ideals of chivalry and exhausted symbolism. I wanted to keep this private, but assholes deserve to be mocked. After all everyone knows sulfur smells like shit, some ideas do to.


Thank you for considering my intellectual property's privacy.
I don't think my requests will be too difficult, but I know I can't do them on photo shop so here we go...

The album cover:

The title of the album I am putting together is: The Muddy Banks of Memory I don't really have a band so I was considering just using the name BrimStone as the "band/artist" name. Please feel free to give me your ideas of what this title brings to your mind, but for me I see something like a large muddy field with a bank vault sitting there. Door closed, everything looks old and covered with moss and mud. It's dark, it's a scary kind of setting one that would make you jump if you were a smaller child. A slightly used path, just barely visible and well worn leads to the vault door. The vault it's self have old cryptic or Chinese writing/symbols that mean BrimStone etched above the door.
I have a few photo shop designs of a symbol I will include.

The second is really 2 separate portraits, one is a rehash, redrawn your interpretation of the second set of photos I am including. This I would like to have a digital copy of to use as my Avatar and to "be the face" of my online endeavors (no I am not a hacker), but every voice needs a face and for years I have been using a copied and enhanced face of another. However I must point out that this face is one I admire. If a picture is worth a thousand words than this tells almost everything about my inner mind and soul. If I have one.
(ooh! dramatic!)

Anyway the third is a portrait of my character in a series of novels that span millennium for him. His name is BrimStone and he (like me) is unique in fact he fears he is the last of his kind. In the picture I would like him depicted as a mysterious type figure, shrouded in a dark green hooded cloak holding in his right hand a intricately etched staff. One end firmly planted on the ground the symbols on the staff with a slight glow. He is a good man. He helps those in need. His charge is to fight the ever changing face of evil. He stands around 6' tall (5'8") a clean shaven face, firm jaw, his face is one of a man in his mid twenties, but he is much much older. He is a knight. He stands straight, and he stands tall. But he has a great sense of humor and his smile can warm the hearts of those it touches. In the portrait he shouldn't be showing more than a slight smile. He is looking into an auspicious future. His colors are black and green, a bit of a matrix style in his dress if possible, his clothing should seem functional if it is shown.

Thank you, ********* for taking the time to read these ideas, if you can help please contact me. If you need more information feel free to email me.
Please know I am not a wealthy man and I am not looking for a huge artworks just something about 12" x 12" maybe, I will try to pay you what you ask but I might have to buy them one at a time.
Your thoughts and interpretations of these ideas would be appreciated, as well as information for an artist that might be interested in doing webcomix in the future.

Thank you again
*********

Lost Items vol. 8

- Picture of Joan Rivers eating carrion
- 0.48 guitar string
- Recordings of cats fighting down the street
- Can on El Pato brand (The Duck) Salsa Verde
- Drawing of a candiru (Vandeilla cirrhosa aka dickfish)
- Jar of Tonail clippings, 2003-present
- Ronnie James Dio poster
- Cut-off sweatpants used as sleepwear

Ike not-so-bright Ohio

A bit topical for me given that this shit is usually about nonsense but you all know my neurotic obsessions with lists and my equally comparable obsession with objects that require electricity. Here is what I would like to do to but, alas can't:

-Dill Lemon Salmon with sautéed Asparagus and Broccolini
-Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Sunday dork fest was interrupted by wind during my siege on Fort Nasso
-Internet Gossip websites
-Killer metal solo
-General Activities that require electricity to perform [e.g. shaving excessive body hair, turning on light when needed
-Freaking out the cats by putting the electric razor on the floor and turning it on [highly recommended if you have said items]

Hurricane Season Needs a Makeover

Hurricane Lethal Weapon 2
Hurricane Stop or My Mom will Shoot
Hurricane Predator II
Hurricane Terminator
Hurricane Total Recall
Hurricane Rambo
Hurricane Speed
Hurricane Bad Boyz
Hurricane Apocalypto