Lost Items Volume "Shit I can't Remember" aka Frontier Edition

-leather cowboy hat with little pewter cast of a longhorn skull on it

-bucket of bacon fat that was once used as an insulating material for my hut in the backyard, until the animals licked it all off

-gun but no bullets

-antique intaglio etching of french erotica, print 3 of 70, note: "Oo La La" written in right hand corner by adolescence boy who found the print in attic after seeing the Back to the Future Trilogy on TBS

-Textbook circa 1875 stating that the atom is a solid particle

Bears from the Third Reich

Easily marketed to demographics such as NRA members, thugs, and Neo-Nazis. Makes a great gift.

Wonders of the Internet Vol 1: Sulfur and the Death Knight

Wondering how to utilize a Fine Arts degree is sometimes one of the most hopeless, abysmal tasks a person can take in life. You start thinking about marketing yourself, vexing over why you haven't made any good work in a year, and drinking too much so you can cope with your failure in the art 'game'. The final frontier of freelance is the labyrinth of Craigslist, full of people just like you, anti social, lazy and at wit's end. This is your ticket to some type of prosperity....right? Of course you always end up getting some totally bat shit crazy dude who is craving to have their ideas immortalized via your creative services offered. Paintings of dark, heart-of-gold undead warriors who smell like sulfur and stalk around in some fantastical world of mythical injusctice and gothic beauty. All of this by some Tolkien School reject who just wants some type of escapism from the reality of still living in his parents' basement amongst his formidiable collection of unopened action figures and hand painted pewter figurines that he bought during his Warhammer 40K phase.

Here is my last Craigslist communication for a possible commision, the ideas thick with overused ideals of chivalry and exhausted symbolism. I wanted to keep this private, but assholes deserve to be mocked. After all everyone knows sulfur smells like shit, some ideas do to.


Thank you for considering my intellectual property's privacy.
I don't think my requests will be too difficult, but I know I can't do them on photo shop so here we go...

The album cover:

The title of the album I am putting together is: The Muddy Banks of Memory I don't really have a band so I was considering just using the name BrimStone as the "band/artist" name. Please feel free to give me your ideas of what this title brings to your mind, but for me I see something like a large muddy field with a bank vault sitting there. Door closed, everything looks old and covered with moss and mud. It's dark, it's a scary kind of setting one that would make you jump if you were a smaller child. A slightly used path, just barely visible and well worn leads to the vault door. The vault it's self have old cryptic or Chinese writing/symbols that mean BrimStone etched above the door.
I have a few photo shop designs of a symbol I will include.

The second is really 2 separate portraits, one is a rehash, redrawn your interpretation of the second set of photos I am including. This I would like to have a digital copy of to use as my Avatar and to "be the face" of my online endeavors (no I am not a hacker), but every voice needs a face and for years I have been using a copied and enhanced face of another. However I must point out that this face is one I admire. If a picture is worth a thousand words than this tells almost everything about my inner mind and soul. If I have one.
(ooh! dramatic!)

Anyway the third is a portrait of my character in a series of novels that span millennium for him. His name is BrimStone and he (like me) is unique in fact he fears he is the last of his kind. In the picture I would like him depicted as a mysterious type figure, shrouded in a dark green hooded cloak holding in his right hand a intricately etched staff. One end firmly planted on the ground the symbols on the staff with a slight glow. He is a good man. He helps those in need. His charge is to fight the ever changing face of evil. He stands around 6' tall (5'8") a clean shaven face, firm jaw, his face is one of a man in his mid twenties, but he is much much older. He is a knight. He stands straight, and he stands tall. But he has a great sense of humor and his smile can warm the hearts of those it touches. In the portrait he shouldn't be showing more than a slight smile. He is looking into an auspicious future. His colors are black and green, a bit of a matrix style in his dress if possible, his clothing should seem functional if it is shown.

Thank you, ********* for taking the time to read these ideas, if you can help please contact me. If you need more information feel free to email me.
Please know I am not a wealthy man and I am not looking for a huge artworks just something about 12" x 12" maybe, I will try to pay you what you ask but I might have to buy them one at a time.
Your thoughts and interpretations of these ideas would be appreciated, as well as information for an artist that might be interested in doing webcomix in the future.

Thank you again
*********

Lost Items vol. 8

- Picture of Joan Rivers eating carrion
- 0.48 guitar string
- Recordings of cats fighting down the street
- Can on El Pato brand (The Duck) Salsa Verde
- Drawing of a candiru (Vandeilla cirrhosa aka dickfish)
- Jar of Tonail clippings, 2003-present
- Ronnie James Dio poster
- Cut-off sweatpants used as sleepwear

Ike not-so-bright Ohio

A bit topical for me given that this shit is usually about nonsense but you all know my neurotic obsessions with lists and my equally comparable obsession with objects that require electricity. Here is what I would like to do to but, alas can't:

-Dill Lemon Salmon with sautéed Asparagus and Broccolini
-Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Sunday dork fest was interrupted by wind during my siege on Fort Nasso
-Internet Gossip websites
-Killer metal solo
-General Activities that require electricity to perform [e.g. shaving excessive body hair, turning on light when needed
-Freaking out the cats by putting the electric razor on the floor and turning it on [highly recommended if you have said items]

Hurricane Season Needs a Makeover

Hurricane Lethal Weapon 2
Hurricane Stop or My Mom will Shoot
Hurricane Predator II
Hurricane Terminator
Hurricane Total Recall
Hurricane Rambo
Hurricane Speed
Hurricane Bad Boyz
Hurricane Apocalypto

First Off: The AM Manpurse Checklist

1. My valuable hunting knife
2. Pouch of cigarettes
3. Grapefruit spoon, no grapefruit
4. Goin' Granola
5. Toasty turkey sandwich with mayo
6. Tea bags
7. Graph paper
8. Broken Ipod
9. Rollin' papers for number two
10. Black books
11. Spinach pocket [Certified Organic]
12. Monster energy drink
13. Button of a nipple
14. Serrated pairing knife
15. Ohio State Parks Recreational Guide
16. Random scraps of paper and crumbs

The Ancient Meets the Eighties: Persian Craftsman Combine an Archaic Tradition with Popular Culture

Oriental, or more specifically Persian, rugs have stood the test of time from the age of primitive craftsman to the rise of industry. Running a constant parallel through the rise and fall of various ideologies and religious dogmas, they are exotic, hypnotic, and regal all at the same time. But can something so timeless and archaic become post modern? Like pretty much everything else contemporary design is reinventing the old, sometimes revolting ways, from the simple wooden chair to the hammer all is being rethought to accommodate the mass consumer age. While it seems the west is running out of steam centuries of imperialism and bullying have taught the now emerging countries a thing or two about how to sell a product, especially to western consumers.

With a degree in marketing and advertising at Columbia University that is exactly what Ali Ekbar Turen is doing with his textile company, Bicer Kadife San ve Tic LTD in Turkey. Last week he introduced at a press conference the first ever representational Persian rug handmade by his master craftsman for distribution in America. He chose to use popular Philly Soulsters Hall and Oates as his first design of the 21st century, he is well aware of the 1980's popularity but Turen replies that, "Here in Turkey we are still in the American Eighties, your popular culture moves at an alarming rate and we do not have the time or the resources to keep up with your fast paced consumer life." Despite the rather outdated subject matter in the rug Hall and Oates seem as contemporary as ever, based on their classic eighties record H20 the rug turns down the sexual tension of the two sweaty songwriters in favor of a deep red calm echoing the past. "It really is an original and fascinating piece.", says Robert Gallow of Oriental Rug Zine. "If Jeff Koons had a time machine and traveled back to the days of the Persian Empire this is what he would make." Overall Turen is deeply satisfied with his business and expects that despite the economy in America it will not stop hip consumers from purchasing the rug. In the future he has plans of immortalizing other celebrities in fine stitched wool such as Oprah Winfrey and Clint Eastwood but for now we will have to wait. The Hall and Oates rug retails at $800,00 USD and is available at fine retailers in larger cities or by order through the company's website at BicerKadifeSanveTic.com.

The Top 11 Greatest Things on 07.03.08

1. Microsoft Excel and Vicodin
2. DIY Black Cats
3. Mead
4. Gravel in someone else's shoe
5. Representations of classic pornography made
out of pasta and glue
6. Lisa Frank and Francis Bacon's love child
7. Bunz
8. Zip Ties
9. Futons
10. Party Vans
11. More Vicodin

Toby Keith: Fists of Hate

What to do

This column was originally intended to persuade the middle class of the opportunity of superior superiority a kind of kinky convenience. Akin more closely to shrocks rather than clocks with tiny hands. Sure enough the discussion foamed at the mouth and made remarks like I got something to tell you about something to tell you about. Two inches inserted into the keypad will make the door pop up and your food I assure you is safe as can be from bears and those damn coons. I think it would be strongly advised to create a protocol on your email polocies so this kind of thing doesn't happen again and if it does we can take burrito out of the microwave.

New Genre

Guitar Center Popol Vuh

BLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOG of typographic diversity

Lost Items volumes 7 and/or 8

Lost Items are now so lost that we forget what we even lost to begin with.

What's New in La La Land...

-New and improved school system

-Now 80% infused with 'La'

-Mascot Pigs promoting BBQ [pictured]

-Superior internet connections

-Sweet Tea

-Your favorite TV shows

for once i am writing about me, and i am terrified

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From The Badlands: New Outsider Weirdness

There really is quite a large grimy film covering all of the underground known only as 'noise'. Hundreds if not thousands of youngins' practice this continuation of Punk, some blend it with Avant Garde pretension while others just want to fuck people's ears up. But what's this? Has the scene become so Post Modern that it has finally arrived at appropriating popular youth TV show content from their generation instead of using Lisa Frank iconography?

SC-R-EE-CH! is doing just that, they hail from rural Montana near Billings and often frequent the Badlands to take in the desolate visuals as fodder for their unique blend of quiet then loud, controlled then chaotic droned out noise. The group members are only known as Dust and Diamond [a bit obsessive it seems] and the third member really is just a piece of equipment, which is none other than a primitive wheel based drum machine, probably similar in design to the drum machines found in old Hammond organs. The back cover actually shows the device and "Einstein" is hastily scrawled on the side of the machine. Which if anybody knows their Saved by the Bell trivia like I do is the name of Screech's robot on the show. With this much Screech-based content you would think that this is the first Dustin "I can't let the past go" Diamond seven inch ever. But despite how interesting that would be it would most likely be some Nu Metal slop with phyrgian undertones judging by the goatee and asshole personality he apparently is sporting these days.

But on to the record, a killer seven inch from what seems to be self released by the group under their NuM NuM label which features a crudely drawn steamy burrito in the logo. As far as tracks though there is only two on this 331/3 single. Side A is titled, you guessed it, "Turtle Soup", which is reminiscent of a little known Italian band/ensemble known as MEV minus all the woodwind squawking and immense background noise. I can only describe this piece as so blown out and loud it sounds like two hundred cats are making this and not just two guys with a drum machine named Einstein. Even the drum machine, the pulse of this experiment is sent into chaos as the song just breaks down into an absolute mess of sound. I can really only comment on the timbres and treatment to electronics on this one because despite all of the apparent chaos these two Montana weirdos practice a delicate waltz with their equipment and are so attunted to the detail of a single tone that composition is either consciously removed or just discarded like another piece of trash in the Badlands.

The B-side is a little easier on the ears and represents more of the aesthetic they actually pursue which as mentioned earlier is delicate treatment of their sounds and an almost Zen-like [*gulp] attention to detail. Oddly enough the title has absolutely nothing to do with Saved by the Bell and is only called "Rum Room". This is more akin to Kluster mixed with a little bit of American outsider weirdness. Most of the song is pulsing rotating drum beat up front with various keys and toy instruments rattling throughout, and way in the back are barley audible sounds of one of the members whispering into what sounds like a large can. But as with their sense of change with soft will come loud and at the end of "Rum Room" marks some of the craziest sounds I think even Wolf Eyes has ever heard.

Good luck on finding this one, my copy is numbered 7/50 and I don't think it is even remotely possible they would repress it unless you get a hold of the guys that reissued that Better Beatles record. If by chance you spot this pick it up for the sheer novelty alone.

Soft Drink! Hard Drink!

Pepsi has always seemed like the jealous cousin of Coke that would stab him at a family reunion over the superior taste of whiskey and Coke as opposed to the overly sweet aftertaste of whiskey and Pepsi. Plus when you order that at a bar who says whiskey and Pepsi? It just sounds wrong.

Lost Items vol. ?

-The jobs of competent employees in favor of friends
-One wholesale bottle of DXM cough syrup
-15 cans of novelty beer

Bein' Wasted

You know that you may not need that new beer when in the process of retrieving it your flashlight [aka cellphone] slips out of your hand and into the icy cold depths of a Coleman cooler.

I Found it on EBAY [What's Going On?]

Pile of Christian Slaters' trash $348.99: Contains assorted food matter, drug paraphernalia, used Anne Rice books with highliter and extensive notes in margin, package of 100-200 unsigned photos of Christian Slater. Bid for charity.

Lot of 500 pairs of cheap leather gloves brown, black, and crimson $4.99: Wrapped in plastic, some western themed, moderately durable, ship worldwide.

Hugos! As many as you can tow! $50.00: Assorted colors and conditions, some missing tires and/or wheels, watch out for the navy blue one because snakes breed in it, perfect first car for your irresponsible child [they will hate you]. Don't miss out on this one because the molds were destroyed during the civil war in Yugoslavia in the nineties.

Billy Ray Cyrus' porch couch $600.00: The couch he drank on before he got famous again on the wings of his daughter Hilary Duff II, small cigarette burn on middle cushion, mysterious stain on right arm. Don't break my achy breaky heart on this one bid before it slips through your fingers, a real find and great addition to your home. Seller is not responsible for insect/mite infestations [the eggs are embedded in the fabric and some won't hatch for years] buy at your own risk.

I think I got the Oxford Blues

Last summer Bob Petric [TJSA] and I were discussing the recent news that Brian May just received a degree in Astrophysics at Oxford I think, which for a guitar god is pretty impressive, don't think Eric Clapton could've done that shit. Ecstatic about the idea we took the role upon ourselves to try to make this thing happen. With a relentless barrage of emails, phone calls, and letters we finally persuaded May and Hawking to at the least rehearse and see what they could cook up in them big brains of theirs. You would think it would sound like some Math Rock shit but it was more like listening to Sergious Golowin on mescaline in a space ship with dirty little aliens doing dirty little things all over your equipment. A Wookie Gang Bang of a time.

The name Hawking and May alone sounds like a fuckin' supergroup, or like a really academic Hall and Oates cover band. May plays the searing guitar leads that drove Queen to the top of the Arena Rock scene all the while the motionless Hawking plays laptop electronics and sings through his vocoder thing. "Hawking is the vehicle in which my guitar tone travels in." May says,"Without Hawking it would just sound like me dicking around in summer home while I was drunk off cough syrup." It really is the best of both worlds in that case, hot licks and cold clicks, if you know what I'm saying. I tried to interview Dr. Hawking about his musical influences and it took weeks for a reply in which he stated, "My music is a singularity that transcends time and space, to quantify it into a specific earthly genre would be a vastly miscalculated scientific error." With that being said move over Hawkwind Space Rocks' got a new name and a new game. I have heard through the catacombs of cyberspace a Mr. Tom Lax intends to release Hawking and May "Oxford Blues" sometime next year on Siltbreeze records.

If This Guy is Metal then He is Fucking Lead

Google still impresses me with its brutally honest visual translation of a single word. Quite possibly the best archive in the world for all the moments that you wish you were present for.

This guy looks like the love-child of Meat Loaf and Sebastian-Bach at high school talent show.

Someone did find this one first so I have to attribute this to them: www.metalcovenant.com/pages/humor.htm
the rest of the site seems kind of lame so don't expect another gem like this to come along for another fifty years.

Lost Items vol 6.

-Lost Items volume 5
-Bag of pennies, bottlecaps, and paperclips
-Staple gun with "Dan the Man" written on it
-Picasso painting of exploded uterus
-Eight years of my miserable life

I know I know, I just can't stop

The man who is responsible for the masterpiece of 80's cinema Roadhouse needs our help. Let us focus all of our positive healing energy on the Patrick Swayze Mandalla.

The Obsession Continues...

Lost Items vol. 4

-Power Ballads
-Snake skin
-Fax machine circa 1995
-Autograph Pen [unused]
-Fine thread machine screws 1/64"w x 1/4"l, phillips head, quantity 12
-Bottle of Popov Vodka filled with tap water
-Painting of Anton LeVey holding poodle [passionately]

The Definitive Burt Reynolds Checklist

Hooper [1978] Movie about being Burt Reynolds played by Burt Reynolds with all of Burt Reynolds' friends and beer, fights, and honky tonk.

Cannonball Run I [1981] Smokey and the Bandit IV

Cannonball Run II [1984] Smokey and the Bandit V

Smokey and the uh....Band.? [1977]: Classic, watch it with your girlfriend or boyfriend with your top three shirt buttons open

Deliverance [1972] You know Reynolds without the TM lip rug, plus rural sodomy and all the inbred creepiness you can fit into 90+minutes. The reason why city folks are scared of Appalachia.

Best Little Whorehouse in Texas [1982] Idealized musical version of prostitution in southwest, quite possibly my first impression of what harems were really like in early childhood.

Three Men and a Baby [1987] oh wait

05.12.08 C.E.

Remarkable activities this week include working and sleeping.

-Columbus Alive Events Calender Editor
J. Wilson Penstro

Lost Items vol. 3

-two limes
-3lb bag of assorted change
-Falconers Gloves
-broken calculator

Just a Little Dream, dooty dooty doo

My friend likes dogs and music though a recent lack of postings and general bar talk have consisted more about canines and less about wax, he has a new blog as a companion to 1492's own Population Doug, check out www.populationpug.blogspot.com. Sorry no Blue Phantom reviews here though you may learn how to get dog piss out of your couch with sawdust and lavender extract.

Lisa Frank Paradise

WTF where's the unicorns and space tigers?

Crucial Dad Rock Artists

With months and months of strenuous research and countless surveys and investigations the definitive collection of top Dad Rock artists is finally here. Our research team focused specifically on fathers that had children in the 1980's and a CD player. So here it is, more will follow but here are some of the top Dad Rock artists ever. Stay tuned for the Ultimate Mom Rock Collection next week.


1. Doobie Brothers
2. Christopher Cross
3. Luther Vandross
4. Traveling Wilberry's
5. Bonnie Raitt
6. Meatloaf
7. Mike and the Mechanics
8. Journey
9. Al Stewart
10. Bruce Hornsby
11. Later Crosby Stills Nash & Young
12. Earth Wind & Fire

Perez! Perez!

Lost Items Vol. 2

- "Lost" Season Three

- Circa 1987 Captain Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch cereal box with kidz maze completed on back

- Stuffed red squirrel with Mark E. Smith's autograph on base purchased on Ebay

- 1973 Farmer's Almanac

- 4 three inch drywall screws, used

- One 12 x 12 x12 box full of used lighters

What to Expect and What to Suspect

Dear Unknown Reader,

As some of you may have read in various financial publications around the states Greg of Tibet Inc., the multi-faceted juggernaut has recently dissolved into smaller entities. The Humor Resources and Entertainment Review Division now currently calls its virgin publication Pilot Hole. Publishing consistency may be dependent on several factors of the staff, principally internet access is the greatest hindrance, while an active drinking schedule from time to time may also prevent publication from even being drafted all together. And finally consistent posting may just be a matter of motivation as most of the staff are junkies and clinically depressed, slightly overweight, balding, late twenties men.

What you may or may not see:

-Crazy Cat Videos [appropriated and personally shot]

-Bubble Letters

-Ink Drawings

-Poems about my first Hamster, Mario

-Interesting pieces of garbage

-Ethno-Rock Reviews

-Record Reviews that don't mention the record.

-Posting from other Blogs cut and pasted to make what we like to call Blobs

-Google image searches of random words

-Something Serious