Friday, May 30, 2008

Lost Items vol. ?

-The jobs of competent employees in favor of friends
-One wholesale bottle of DXM cough syrup
-15 cans of novelty beer

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bein' Wasted

You know that you may not need that new beer when in the process of retrieving it your flashlight [aka cellphone] slips out of your hand and into the icy cold depths of a Coleman cooler.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Found it on EBAY [What's Going On?]

Pile of Christian Slaters' trash $348.99: Contains assorted food matter, drug paraphernalia, used Anne Rice books with highliter and extensive notes in margin, package of 100-200 unsigned photos of Christian Slater. Bid for charity.

Lot of 500 pairs of cheap leather gloves brown, black, and crimson $4.99: Wrapped in plastic, some western themed, moderately durable, ship worldwide.

Hugos! As many as you can tow! $50.00: Assorted colors and conditions, some missing tires and/or wheels, watch out for the navy blue one because snakes breed in it, perfect first car for your irresponsible child [they will hate you]. Don't miss out on this one because the molds were destroyed during the civil war in Yugoslavia in the nineties.

Billy Ray Cyrus' porch couch $600.00: The couch he drank on before he got famous again on the wings of his daughter Hilary Duff II, small cigarette burn on middle cushion, mysterious stain on right arm. Don't break my achy breaky heart on this one bid before it slips through your fingers, a real find and great addition to your home. Seller is not responsible for insect/mite infestations [the eggs are embedded in the fabric and some won't hatch for years] buy at your own risk.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I think I got the Oxford Blues

Last summer Bob Petric [TJSA] and I were discussing the recent news that Brian May just received a degree in Astrophysics at Oxford I think, which for a guitar god is pretty impressive, don't think Eric Clapton could've done that shit. Ecstatic about the idea we took the role upon ourselves to try to make this thing happen. With a relentless barrage of emails, phone calls, and letters we finally persuaded May and Hawking to at the least rehearse and see what they could cook up in them big brains of theirs. You would think it would sound like some Math Rock shit but it was more like listening to Sergious Golowin on mescaline in a space ship with dirty little aliens doing dirty little things all over your equipment. A Wookie Gang Bang of a time.

The name Hawking and May alone sounds like a fuckin' supergroup, or like a really academic Hall and Oates cover band. May plays the searing guitar leads that drove Queen to the top of the Arena Rock scene all the while the motionless Hawking plays laptop electronics and sings through his vocoder thing. "Hawking is the vehicle in which my guitar tone travels in." May says,"Without Hawking it would just sound like me dicking around in summer home while I was drunk off cough syrup." It really is the best of both worlds in that case, hot licks and cold clicks, if you know what I'm saying. I tried to interview Dr. Hawking about his musical influences and it took weeks for a reply in which he stated, "My music is a singularity that transcends time and space, to quantify it into a specific earthly genre would be a vastly miscalculated scientific error." With that being said move over Hawkwind Space Rocks' got a new name and a new game. I have heard through the catacombs of cyberspace a Mr. Tom Lax intends to release Hawking and May "Oxford Blues" sometime next year on Siltbreeze records.

If This Guy is Metal then He is Fucking Lead

Google still impresses me with its brutally honest visual translation of a single word. Quite possibly the best archive in the world for all the moments that you wish you were present for.

This guy looks like the love-child of Meat Loaf and Sebastian-Bach at high school talent show.

Someone did find this one first so I have to attribute this to them:
the rest of the site seems kind of lame so don't expect another gem like this to come along for another fifty years.

Lost Items vol 6.

-Lost Items volume 5
-Bag of pennies, bottlecaps, and paperclips
-Staple gun with "Dan the Man" written on it
-Picasso painting of exploded uterus
-Eight years of my miserable life

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I know I know, I just can't stop

The man who is responsible for the masterpiece of 80's cinema Roadhouse needs our help. Let us focus all of our positive healing energy on the Patrick Swayze Mandalla.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Obsession Continues...

Lost Items vol. 4

-Power Ballads
-Snake skin
-Fax machine circa 1995
-Autograph Pen [unused]
-Fine thread machine screws 1/64"w x 1/4"l, phillips head, quantity 12
-Bottle of Popov Vodka filled with tap water
-Painting of Anton LeVey holding poodle [passionately]

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Definitive Burt Reynolds Checklist

Hooper [1978] Movie about being Burt Reynolds played by Burt Reynolds with all of Burt Reynolds' friends and beer, fights, and honky tonk.

Cannonball Run I [1981] Smokey and the Bandit IV

Cannonball Run II [1984] Smokey and the Bandit V

Smokey and the uh....Band.? [1977]: Classic, watch it with your girlfriend or boyfriend with your top three shirt buttons open

Deliverance [1972] You know Reynolds without the TM lip rug, plus rural sodomy and all the inbred creepiness you can fit into 90+minutes. The reason why city folks are scared of Appalachia.

Best Little Whorehouse in Texas [1982] Idealized musical version of prostitution in southwest, quite possibly my first impression of what harems were really like in early childhood.

Three Men and a Baby [1987] oh wait

05.12.08 C.E.

Remarkable activities this week include working and sleeping.

-Columbus Alive Events Calender Editor
J. Wilson Penstro

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Lost Items vol. 3

-two limes
-3lb bag of assorted change
-Falconers Gloves
-broken calculator

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Just a Little Dream, dooty dooty doo

My friend likes dogs and music though a recent lack of postings and general bar talk have consisted more about canines and less about wax, he has a new blog as a companion to 1492's own Population Doug, check out Sorry no Blue Phantom reviews here though you may learn how to get dog piss out of your couch with sawdust and lavender extract.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Monday, May 5, 2008

Lisa Frank Paradise

WTF where's the unicorns and space tigers?

Crucial Dad Rock Artists

With months and months of strenuous research and countless surveys and investigations the definitive collection of top Dad Rock artists is finally here. Our research team focused specifically on fathers that had children in the 1980's and a CD player. So here it is, more will follow but here are some of the top Dad Rock artists ever. Stay tuned for the Ultimate Mom Rock Collection next week.

1. Doobie Brothers
2. Christopher Cross
3. Luther Vandross
4. Traveling Wilberry's
5. Bonnie Raitt
6. Meatloaf
7. Mike and the Mechanics
8. Journey
9. Al Stewart
10. Bruce Hornsby
11. Later Crosby Stills Nash & Young
12. Earth Wind & Fire

Friday, May 2, 2008

Perez! Perez!

Lost Items Vol. 2

- "Lost" Season Three

- Circa 1987 Captain Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch cereal box with kidz maze completed on back

- Stuffed red squirrel with Mark E. Smith's autograph on base purchased on Ebay

- 1973 Farmer's Almanac

- 4 three inch drywall screws, used

- One 12 x 12 x12 box full of used lighters

Thursday, May 1, 2008

What to Expect and What to Suspect

Dear Unknown Reader,

As some of you may have read in various financial publications around the states Greg of Tibet Inc., the multi-faceted juggernaut has recently dissolved into smaller entities. The Humor Resources and Entertainment Review Division now currently calls its virgin publication Pilot Hole. Publishing consistency may be dependent on several factors of the staff, principally internet access is the greatest hindrance, while an active drinking schedule from time to time may also prevent publication from even being drafted all together. And finally consistent posting may just be a matter of motivation as most of the staff are junkies and clinically depressed, slightly overweight, balding, late twenties men.

What you may or may not see:

-Crazy Cat Videos [appropriated and personally shot]

-Bubble Letters

-Ink Drawings

-Poems about my first Hamster, Mario

-Interesting pieces of garbage

-Ethno-Rock Reviews

-Record Reviews that don't mention the record.

-Posting from other Blogs cut and pasted to make what we like to call Blobs

-Google image searches of random words

-Something Serious